this is something i wrote when i was angry with the docs for not listening to me. I still have some trouble, but they are seeing that it is more real than "fake" as was said. It is just to get a diagnosis is like pulling teeth now, back when i was in my 20's i would have gotten a diagnosis sooner than i have now. I hope still it does not get bad before they get it. At least they are seeing the numbness is real it is still weird to me, but i am more with it when it comes to that.

I have noticed the last few months when i was having all kinds of trouble that I am not allowed to get angry. I am not allowed to get help for something i knew was wrong with me, and if i protest, I am wrong. Plus when I do need help, i get treated poorly by it seems everyone. There are a few who stuck by me, and I am glad for those people who gave a shit. Yet in reality, there were a lot of people who seemed to take my right to get help and make it out to be my mental illness, not a real problem. When did my bipolar disorder dictate how i get care from all concerned. I am not supposed to fight when I know I need to have something that is compromising me, is getting worse each time i get plagued with symptoms. Well...uh lucky for my stubborn pride, or maybe I was smart enough to see this was not normal for me to get all these unrelated symptoms and in a few months time to keep at it. Let me look at this again.

I get nerve blocks done and the doctor who took care of me basically labeled me as an pain pill addict. (that is the way anyone would have seen that). Why because I have had probems with pain, and while this was going on, certain family members felt it was ok to steal my pain meds. When I said something I got my balls busted for even accusing them at that time. Come to find out they not only stole mine, but decided to steal my husbands meds I was going to get rid of when there was a way to safely. Then I was getting symptoms of my diabetes (first time had symptoms) and it was not the fault of the doctor who gave me the nerve block. I was off my diabetes meds for almost a year, sugars were so good I did not need to check everyday. I am on them again and my sugars are still not right. 

One month after that, I had gotten symptoms of a stroke. Slurred speech,tingling and numbness going on. I had to use a walker and a cane to walk around. I was not happy with the fact that I had no signs of stroke and here I am trying to talk normal again and walk normal as well. I was doing good for a bit where there was minimal use of the cane and my speech got better. That was not so bad considering what happened after back hat.

The second round of symptoms were more aggressive in nature. I had gone for back pain which was the start of this round. i did not get a CAT scan ti see why my spine hurt in my upper back. I was given drugs to calm the pain and muscles and then was told it was most likely my muscles hurting. I said quite clearly it was my spine. did not matter they already diagnosed me. then the second set of symptoms started with a vengeance. my heart was racing and i went to the ER at the insistence of my home health care nurse. That is the when I was noticing the treatment I got was a little on the nasty side.they were going by what the EKG said and acted like i was causing this stuff going on. I went on four mor times to the ER asking for them to help me find out what is causing this. i got put off and said i was dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. The truth is I was anxious, but it was not like e to get it this bad. If they had looked at my records for my mental illness, they would see it was not one of my problems.The one time i went on a Sunday I had complained of pain in my chest on and off and it hurt. well I wanted to make sure this was not going to turn into a heart attack my bro had two. I was scared out of my mind because I had a normal EKG again yet all of a sudden my back hurt so bad i was crying for help then a minute or two later it went right to my chest. It felt like a Mack truck was hitting me in my chest. I was blown off as if I was acting like it hurt, not that it did hurt that bad. They were treating me again like it was a panic attack. Stop for one moment and drink this in, I had one panic attack when my son was about 1 1/2. One not several. Here I am again wondering if anyone will give mee the time of day to see why these things are happening and the tests are normal, but they are happening. They took the easy way out and said it was my mental illness.

Second major bout if symptoms were off the wall as well. I felt like I was filled with fluid in my head and around my chest. I am not sure what to call what happened to me, I never really thought until now to see what it was. I was not responding to commands as well as i should be i could hear everything and i felt the pain too. Who knows why that happened. I do know when I tried that doctor got mad because i was not moving when he wanted and was not responding as good as he wanted. I could not i tried and it was horrible to hear the doctor say I was faking and tried to get me into psych. After everything started to settle in me I was able to get my eyes open and then it seemed like a piece of cake to get the right side going, the left side not as good. I had gotten mad because my legs were not working but i was feeling things still.it was like my brain was not working right to get the moving going in the left side not as much as the right. but i was clear as bell telling my mom as best as i could that i heard the doctor say what he said about me faking. I can't even describe the feeling except defeated. Then the other feeling of wait my kid and husband need me I can't let hem down. While this was going on my nephew was steady saying he was going too help then did the minimal to help. He usually asked his gf to see what I needed when he was too lazy to help me. I got some conflicting thinking going on there. Is he snowing me again or is he really trying. On top of that I was fighting people in my family over this whole thing. Was she faking or is she having a breakdown. Neither as I know now. All this time my husband was in the hospital due to the nephews thinking ti was funny to get my husband going when he was trying to get to the bottom of his stuff going on.

Well after all that happened i was still having minor troubles with my body doing what it wants. I had someone keeping an eye on me, he was getting pissed at how i was being manipulated by my nephew. The fucked up part is my nephew who was sticking to me like glue with trying to "making it right" all the while just finding a place to crash ad do what he wants. His gf is so snowed ny him she thinks i am lying when he is. I mean he lies so much his lies are getting her hurt. He got kicked out for his being dumb enough to think i would not notice he was doing the same shit as before when I threw him out that time. That is a whole other story in itself.

I went to neuro doc and was said to get a psych doc to prescribe meds that get my in an awful place. They all think I was being non compliant when I was advocating drugs did not help me. Got a second opinion and he said jut mild degeneration do Pilates I finally went back to ny reg doc and pleaded with him to get me an MRI of my back. it was a major source of pain, by that time i was weary of all the docs who i have seen. I may have jumped the gun on that, but i had good reason to. he gave me the order for the test and come to find out what I had thought was related to the herniated discs i have was the right thing. I gave in to him and was glad i was perstiant about it. now i do know that all the stuff happened to me was most likely symptoms of the discs being herniated. 

That is it. i am not going to go as far to say the docs names, it does not matter anyways the only way to change or rectify the whole thing is to let he docs know they were wrong or at least know I fought the fight. As hard as I had it i kept my head enough to get the things done.