this is the time to get real

I have used blog to write down poetry and to tell you feelings about my mental illness. That being said, this post gonna get to a real issue I have in my life. 

on September 30, 2012 i got my first nerve block. It aeemed to be helping my pain, which is why I was getting them. Go back a couple weeks before, I was in pain and asked doc to give me regular pain med for pain. He refused deluding to the fact he thought I was over using pain meds, without looking into and seeing I was not an addict. That is whole other story in itself. I waited in pain for nerve block so when first one took good, I was happy with this. Pain was a a lot better and i was happy with this. I went to next block the week after and he put needles in different place second block I had. The pain was still gone was still happy about that fact, was thinking i would not have pain for a long time. that was when things got strange with my own body. Reason for writing this at all is I think i should not lay down to let nothing happen to docs if they are responsible for things going on and then what docs thought could be happening. It is going to be somewhat he said she said, but i am going to get what I feel is good enough for me. No amount of maney is going to get speech back, but if doc missed what made this happen it is on them to give me fair testing to reach the diagnosis I got from first neuro doc who looked at me and my problem. this is not a vengeance type either, I am truely frustrated with my treatment and feel that I was treated less than should be treated. That is just tip of iceberg. Funny thing is, is that people who are close to me see what happened and can't believe I have not gotten answer yet. There are many questions on why my treatment was put off to psychaitric trouble, when have very real speech issues and also had TIA type of symptoms. Whether was TIA or something else should have been looked at more. Instead was told to see psychiatrist. 

The second block again was in different spots and did not think anything of it until I started feeling symptoms from diabetes. Mind you i was able to be off my diabetes med for almost a year until that week. My sugar was near perfect. Have A1C report from reg doc showing that my sugar must have been normal due to a good reading from that. I was taking sugars and could not believe I was getting symptoms when sugar was no more that 300 even if high. I have never had problems with diabetes symptoms showing before even when sugar was higher than normal. Why now? I was not well informed of what was used for nerve blocks, if I was I would have taken good precautions or asked if was worth getting for troubles that could happen. This doc just said I was getting nerve block and no pain meds. Did not tell me risks with anything at all. my hubby was in office when he told me about nerve blocks. Since his illness is giving trouble he may not remember what went on, but was there when I got told had pinched nerve. I believed I was going to be taken care of and nothing bad would happen. I was wrong in that dept. Diabetes was all messed up from it, doc did deny it though without even finding out what was wrong. He said no and went on way, did ask if I wanted the other block, was naive enough to say yes to this. I will add this to my list of what to think about before doing anymore. By the time I got my med back was too late for some problems, and I will not know right away if there was damage to any organs from the diabetes reaction. The problem with this is I get scared they will use my bipolar status to talk it away and make it my problem.i have had this before with another doc. I have been put off for having bipolar, too easy to use as diagnosis then to do testing is guess. 

It took almost a month to get diabetes troubles to point I was not feeling symptoms like I was. Well that was not the end of troubles. Looking at one of discharge notice the date was October 29, 2012. I had two hospital stays for what I am about to describe happened to me before I was in hospital. I woke up in morning the day before first hospital stay, which was a Saturday, whole head was numb and right side tingled and speech was slurred and way off normal speech. Was not scared at first, just wondering what was happening to myself. I started worrying cause remembered stroke symptoms and went to er. They sent me home saying no signs of stroke. On Sunday the next day I talked to doc because I was scared about what happened to me day before finally. (I have had quite a few er visits and did not really want to have another one, due to fact they are only there for finding acute problems. I think for myself they were thinking of my bipolar at times at er as well. not all docs were that way just some) I went to er doc told me to go to and they put me in hospital overnight, might be for observation, was sent home next day. I still had speech trouble. 

Week later on Saturday again, this time left hand and I think whole arm, got panicky from this, when woke up was numb to point i could not use hand for a few minutes at all. Feeling started to come back, but because of panic attack i hesitated calling for help and fact is it was 3 in morning was kinda bleary in head and scared at same time, did not make for good judgement in getting help on time. went away and other than that dont remember too much until i called ambulance which should have been Sunday early afternoon. No one was taking me seriously with ambulance, but doc at er who i have seen before took it seriously. He checked for actual stroke signs in scan I got. No signs of blockage there. Left side was affected by this time and there was after affects from this as well. Was in hospital and they took care this time to get home health with me. One thing I remember was when called ambulance left side was tingling real bad and I was scared. After run in with morning doc who I hope has gotten a talking to about bedside manner with me, saw neuro doc there and gave me ok to go home. Said no signs of stroke. my head had many questions to why this was happening and they could not see why or where it had happened. To this day I still wonder why docs were being nonchalant about what happened to me. Was it age? Was it bipolar status? Was it because I can't quit smoking? no good answers were given to me or was I given courtesy of respect by some. 

It has been over three months since nerve block and two months since stroke symptoms appeared. I am frustrated by the whole thing due to fact that I want to believe there is good with docs and when I trust i get hit in face with things not my character or mental status is in question. Thankfully some things are better, but I will never talk normal again, I am now worried some about return of trouble due to no real answers. Just basic test being done and neuro doc not trying to find what happened or at least maybe a clue to what could have happened. To the pain doc for not warning me of what was being used in nerve block, he did not tell me the risks even if signed papers was not given any verbal instructions from him about this procedure and was not told it could aggravate my diabetes, since he did not tell me they used steroid. Can not tell me I was aware as well this was first time got nerve block and should have given me outcome and risks from him either with instructions for day of procedure. His demeanor with me was like I was a piece of garbage feeling at times when I asked for help before nerve block to help pain til getting this procedure. I will fight this and neuro doc if need to. They maybe docs, but have no business picking who to treat with less respect than another. My conduct with call to pain doc was in relation to his labeling me with a drug addict label. My reg doc prescribes to me tramadol and I take as prescribed. I do not go over and I am not and addict. I can't even drink alcohol, it hurts my stomach. I was defamed and labeled twice. Pain doc first time, second time was neuro doc. I have had enough of this and want to get some answers for this and for pain doc to respect me enough to admit mistake. Whatever happens, happens will not lay down this time and bend my respect for self to lay blame on me when I know in mind I am right. 

this is basically what I remember at this time. I am not crazy and do not in my own right mind think the docs in both case were being fair to me and put personal gain in front of oath that was taken by all docs. No matter how small it may seem to them it is big for me...they are not the one who had to live with end result of problem and it seems they could care one bit about how I want answers and very well know i should have been given more consideration than was given. If one person, like me, has same trouble, it means this could be going on with more than just me. think about this before you say i am crackpot. I can back up what I say in here except for part about pain doc telling me it was not from him do not remember if hubby was in there or not. will ask him when I remember or read this again. 


Rebecca Smith
12/7/2012

P.S. When I know something is off for myself I will fight this time. Too many times I laid down and let go things that should have been rightfully brought to attention of docs. Cannot in good conscience this time just let go, too much riding if this may or may not happen again to me. 

I am still here

I've been having some troubles lately with my diabetes. Sometimes I wonder when this crap is going to stop. The family is doing better in my place. Things have changed for the better. Had a little thing with my Facebook, which has been taken care of. Gotta love the family I have in my family. Some do not understand being smart is just being smart. Doesn't matter what kind of smart it is.

I have decided to not take my psych medicine. Why? I am done with the side effects they give me. I know i have an illness, but there comes a time you gotta learn from the stuff that hurts you. I feel so much worse on them. I am taking the medicine I need for my blood pressure and diabetes now. I know what hurts my mind. I also have to watch the regular meds too. They sometimes give me mood changes.

More with the diabetes. I have in my years of having it, never showed symptoms. It is scary on and off. When the symptoms get worse, I get nervous about them. I am seeing the doctor on Monday for the whole thing. I know i need a stronger med, the one I am taking is not helping a lot. It will be taken care of soon.

Been writing on and off. My head hasn't been in it a whole lot, but I have written this year. My son is doing good, even though he has flubbed a bit. Normal things when attitude gets in with him. Hubby is good, been taking things with stride. Knows he is allowed to feel and think together. It frustrates him to feel anger sometimes, but i be a proud wife.

All done for now. Will try to write sfter the doc appt.

Sunday was the fight of my life

I had the fight of my life on Sunday. It was an internal fight for my own life. What to do? Where do I go from here? How do I fight the impulses I get? Do I give into the seduction of suicide?


I was contemplating how to end my life...when, where, how and why. What can I say, I am human in respect to feelings. What was inhuman to me was the fact that I was deciding to kill myself on Sunday. Had it planned out in my head. Take my pills and just go to sleep and never wake up again. I was wrestling with the fact that I could even think of this and actually get to the point I did. I cried harder than I have ever cried before. I felt that there was no other way to redeem myself for the wrong I had been doing. I wanted to say goodbye to all my family and just end the suffering I felt. I will explain the suffering in simple terms. It is the feeling like no other feeling. You feel you are hurting so bad it will never end. The feeling of sleep and wanting to not wake up to see again how bad I was to myself. 


As the day wore on I was numb but feeling the pure depression. I hit rock bottom in my mind and it was making me feel numb physically and mentally I was so deep in the depression I did not think I could ever climb up out of the abyss I was in. Feeling so low I was not sure how I could get out of this. Suicide seemed the only option in my mind. To end the total suffering I was so tired of feeling. There was also the draw of wanting to end my life. It is like a drug you can't do without. It was drawing me into the impulse. I was on auto pilot from then on. Not seeing anything but death in my eyes. 


In one weird call to my brother, I decided to tell him to bring me cigarettes. No questions asked, just bring them to me. He did and I was diverted from the impulse just by calling him that day. My brother had saved my life without knowing it. That is until I told him yesterday. It was important for him to know he did something really good without knowing it. I thank him for just being him and not asking what I needed the cigs for. He just brought them and did not ask questions about why. 


My family who lives with me are good to me even if they do not know it. They all have a purpose in my life at this time and I am glad to have them all. My mom  and brother who may not be perfect are worthy of being thanked for just being them. My only wish is for my mom and brother to stop arguing with each other over silly things. It would mean a great deal to me to see them get along once in a while. 


The end!

There is a saying

What goes around comes around

I have seen the good side

Of that very phrase

One good turn deserves another

That also has been found

To have truth to it

First hand knowledge of this

I may not do as good

As another

I do as good as I am capable

And the good turn came to me

To know people are good out there

Not everyone has the attitude

It seems I have come 

In contact with personally

I am wrong in one thing

There are good people

Ones who do care truthfully

Not act as if they do

An run at the sign of trouble

Becky Smith 1/13/12

My niece

This about my niece. She is not speaking to me at this time. I don't say I blame her, because I had to kick her dad out of the apartment we live in. I had no choice and that is all I am going to say about that. I wish there was someway I could make it all better between us, but I can't. She has to be the one to stop being angry with me. Whether I did the right thing or not is now the past. I love my niece to death. She is the one shining light in the doom and gloom in the family. I liked to talk to her about stuff and I liked everything we said. My son as smart as he is, needs some work in the behavior department. He is learning and my shining light being my son. My niece is special to me and it is hard for me to not know how she is doing and how good she does in school. Works hard to get good grades. Well I hope one day she sees me and we work out the one thing that hurt her. It was not meant to hurt her. If I did something it was the last resort. I did try.