being real

I want to be real. I do not want to bother people because I feel like I am a bother to people. It is something that I feel in my mind. Whether that is real or not, I cannot be sure. I can't say I feel alone, but I feel on the outside of the world and all I want is to have a better feeling with life itself. I am not wanting to go away, that is not it. I want to be real. I want to be treated with respect again. I don't want people to lie to me. I don't want anymore of the anger I get directed at me for just being me. I know others will say I am complaining, but I have real things going on and I do not get the answers I just need to make my life as good as it can be when or if it may get worse with a few things. i want to stop being labeled by my bipolar "condition". If it is complaining so be it, but to be put off because i was labeled with a mental illness sucks. To sit and take the emotional hurt I have taken and to just go on and deal with it badly or not. I just want to be real to people not a scapegoat or a label. I have some dignity in me still to know it hurts and I still try to be real. My motto to end this is...Honesty may hurt, but when you lie it has to be kept up and the lies get bigger and bigger to the point you forget what is real and what is not. Honesty you do not have to be something you are not, you are just you. I like that kind of thing. Honesty is real. 

thing are not perfect

When you think everything is going good, you get hit in the face with reality. No matter how many times you try to think it is going to be okay it just gets back to the real world and you wonder how to take it.

My hubby who has been having mental hurt for a long time has had another breakdown. I love him very much and the guilt I feel for thinking about what I had thought about ways heavy in my mind and heart. Is love enough to stay the course and help him fight even when he gets mad at me for doing the right thing. 

It is a sad  day for me to say i let my fear of his anger, which by no means is physical, but the aggressiveness of his words hurts me and I decided to not call the cops to take him in again. My fear overrode my sense of knowing it was the right thing. I feel bad for him, not only because I love him, but because the pain and hurt is so deep it is not letting go so easy. I have been there and some of it has been recent too.

Guilt...my guilt is huge with this. I feel like it is me who is making him sicker. I feel like if I were not in his life he would be better off. I am probably wrong, but guilt has a way of messing up how you think. I wonder sometimes if I am just the cause of everyone's grief in my family. Do I do it or is it the guilt saying it is me? 

The one thing I have on my side is hope. It falters a lot when things go wrong for me. Yet it sticks in my brain to keep me going and to not run away from everyone when I really want to. So I will keep the hope and actually hope that the way I feel will get better real soon, so I can help me then help my hubby again like I used to. Overloaded in the brain, pain and mental hurt is clouding some so I just go on til it is better. 

poem

How can you see
When you are clouded by the hurt
How do you know
You can fight yourself when everything is crumbling

Do you have the strength to look beyond your hurt
To take the punches given
When you know you
Should not

In all that you have learned
About self worth and the inner peace
About strength and moving on
When it hurts it gets so hard to get just past it

In everything you know
the true spirit will come out
How long and when is the question
How sure are we to get it out
And really move on

Becky Smith 4/18/13