I had the fight of my life on Sunday. It was an internal fight for my own life. What to do? Where do I go from here? How do I fight the impulses I get? Do I give into the seduction of suicide?
I was contemplating how to end my life...when, where, how and why. What can I say, I am human in respect to feelings. What was inhuman to me was the fact that I was deciding to kill myself on Sunday. Had it planned out in my head. Take my pills and just go to sleep and never wake up again. I was wrestling with the fact that I could even think of this and actually get to the point I did. I cried harder than I have ever cried before. I felt that there was no other way to redeem myself for the wrong I had been doing. I wanted to say goodbye to all my family and just end the suffering I felt. I will explain the suffering in simple terms. It is the feeling like no other feeling. You feel you are hurting so bad it will never end. The feeling of sleep and wanting to not wake up to see again how bad I was to myself.
As the day wore on I was numb but feeling the pure depression. I hit rock bottom in my mind and it was making me feel numb physically and mentally I was so deep in the depression I did not think I could ever climb up out of the abyss I was in. Feeling so low I was not sure how I could get out of this. Suicide seemed the only option in my mind. To end the total suffering I was so tired of feeling. There was also the draw of wanting to end my life. It is like a drug you can't do without. It was drawing me into the impulse. I was on auto pilot from then on. Not seeing anything but death in my eyes.
In one weird call to my brother, I decided to tell him to bring me cigarettes. No questions asked, just bring them to me. He did and I was diverted from the impulse just by calling him that day. My brother had saved my life without knowing it. That is until I told him yesterday. It was important for him to know he did something really good without knowing it. I thank him for just being him and not asking what I needed the cigs for. He just brought them and did not ask questions about why.
My family who lives with me are good to me even if they do not know it. They all have a purpose in my life at this time and I am glad to have them all. My mom and brother who may not be perfect are worthy of being thanked for just being them. My only wish is for my mom and brother to stop arguing with each other over silly things. It would mean a great deal to me to see them get along once in a while.
The end!
