When things may look bad
Keep your hope
It will turn around
Things can look up

You just want to feel 
Like things are on the right track
When things keep going wrong
Is there hope

Yes there is 
What goes down
Does come up
You have to see that somehow

Even if it is just a glimmer
Or a small shard
Of hope in your mind
Grab it and go

It can get better
even in the worst of times
Hope is al we got
Hope is what we need



Rebecca Smith           1/27/11


I still hope and when there seems to be no hope i keep hoping and when i see my world changes for my better.

https://www.facebook.com/MentalIllnessInTheFamilyHowDoYouCope


my page on Facebook. gotta look at it hopefully I can get better stuff on there. 

Birdie1120

my shoes are worn

My shoes are worn

From every step i had to take

To get to the fact

I feel like I am never going to be worthy

Of the life I want to live

Quiet, no pain and being just me

When will this happen?

When I decide to walk away from it all

Take my husband and maybe my son

My son is being swayed by the people

Who make it seem I am crazy. 

Why is your decision to deem me crazy?

Have you lived my life?

Have you fell through so many cracks

You feel broken and sore

From all the mental beatings 

I have gotten in a few months

Those who know me, really know me

Know I am close to walking away from this society

Just find a small place where i can be with

The ones who do care or actually love me

Walk in my shoes and you find all holes

The wearing so bad i need new ones

This is not in my future at all

I don't deserve what everyone wants

I life that has meaning to me 

It was just taken

And made to mean nothing

Or to be laughed at, and then dismissed

Like my pain means damned nothing

I am not sure which is worse,

The mental anguish, or the physical pain...

Sometimes the mental anguish is more than I can handle

I go on and just want peace in my life and to know

For all the fighting I did, it was worth it.

Becky Smith

this is something i wrote when i was angry with the docs for not listening to me. I still have some trouble, but they are seeing that it is more real than "fake" as was said. It is just to get a diagnosis is like pulling teeth now, back when i was in my 20's i would have gotten a diagnosis sooner than i have now. I hope still it does not get bad before they get it. At least they are seeing the numbness is real it is still weird to me, but i am more with it when it comes to that.

I have noticed the last few months when i was having all kinds of trouble that I am not allowed to get angry. I am not allowed to get help for something i knew was wrong with me, and if i protest, I am wrong. Plus when I do need help, i get treated poorly by it seems everyone. There are a few who stuck by me, and I am glad for those people who gave a shit. Yet in reality, there were a lot of people who seemed to take my right to get help and make it out to be my mental illness, not a real problem. When did my bipolar disorder dictate how i get care from all concerned. I am not supposed to fight when I know I need to have something that is compromising me, is getting worse each time i get plagued with symptoms. Well...uh lucky for my stubborn pride, or maybe I was smart enough to see this was not normal for me to get all these unrelated symptoms and in a few months time to keep at it. Let me look at this again.

I get nerve blocks done and the doctor who took care of me basically labeled me as an pain pill addict. (that is the way anyone would have seen that). Why because I have had probems with pain, and while this was going on, certain family members felt it was ok to steal my pain meds. When I said something I got my balls busted for even accusing them at that time. Come to find out they not only stole mine, but decided to steal my husbands meds I was going to get rid of when there was a way to safely. Then I was getting symptoms of my diabetes (first time had symptoms) and it was not the fault of the doctor who gave me the nerve block. I was off my diabetes meds for almost a year, sugars were so good I did not need to check everyday. I am on them again and my sugars are still not right. 

One month after that, I had gotten symptoms of a stroke. Slurred speech,tingling and numbness going on. I had to use a walker and a cane to walk around. I was not happy with the fact that I had no signs of stroke and here I am trying to talk normal again and walk normal as well. I was doing good for a bit where there was minimal use of the cane and my speech got better. That was not so bad considering what happened after back hat.

The second round of symptoms were more aggressive in nature. I had gone for back pain which was the start of this round. i did not get a CAT scan ti see why my spine hurt in my upper back. I was given drugs to calm the pain and muscles and then was told it was most likely my muscles hurting. I said quite clearly it was my spine. did not matter they already diagnosed me. then the second set of symptoms started with a vengeance. my heart was racing and i went to the ER at the insistence of my home health care nurse. That is the when I was noticing the treatment I got was a little on the nasty side.they were going by what the EKG said and acted like i was causing this stuff going on. I went on four mor times to the ER asking for them to help me find out what is causing this. i got put off and said i was dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. The truth is I was anxious, but it was not like e to get it this bad. If they had looked at my records for my mental illness, they would see it was not one of my problems.The one time i went on a Sunday I had complained of pain in my chest on and off and it hurt. well I wanted to make sure this was not going to turn into a heart attack my bro had two. I was scared out of my mind because I had a normal EKG again yet all of a sudden my back hurt so bad i was crying for help then a minute or two later it went right to my chest. It felt like a Mack truck was hitting me in my chest. I was blown off as if I was acting like it hurt, not that it did hurt that bad. They were treating me again like it was a panic attack. Stop for one moment and drink this in, I had one panic attack when my son was about 1 1/2. One not several. Here I am again wondering if anyone will give mee the time of day to see why these things are happening and the tests are normal, but they are happening. They took the easy way out and said it was my mental illness.

Second major bout if symptoms were off the wall as well. I felt like I was filled with fluid in my head and around my chest. I am not sure what to call what happened to me, I never really thought until now to see what it was. I was not responding to commands as well as i should be i could hear everything and i felt the pain too. Who knows why that happened. I do know when I tried that doctor got mad because i was not moving when he wanted and was not responding as good as he wanted. I could not i tried and it was horrible to hear the doctor say I was faking and tried to get me into psych. After everything started to settle in me I was able to get my eyes open and then it seemed like a piece of cake to get the right side going, the left side not as good. I had gotten mad because my legs were not working but i was feeling things still.it was like my brain was not working right to get the moving going in the left side not as much as the right. but i was clear as bell telling my mom as best as i could that i heard the doctor say what he said about me faking. I can't even describe the feeling except defeated. Then the other feeling of wait my kid and husband need me I can't let hem down. While this was going on my nephew was steady saying he was going too help then did the minimal to help. He usually asked his gf to see what I needed when he was too lazy to help me. I got some conflicting thinking going on there. Is he snowing me again or is he really trying. On top of that I was fighting people in my family over this whole thing. Was she faking or is she having a breakdown. Neither as I know now. All this time my husband was in the hospital due to the nephews thinking ti was funny to get my husband going when he was trying to get to the bottom of his stuff going on.

Well after all that happened i was still having minor troubles with my body doing what it wants. I had someone keeping an eye on me, he was getting pissed at how i was being manipulated by my nephew. The fucked up part is my nephew who was sticking to me like glue with trying to "making it right" all the while just finding a place to crash ad do what he wants. His gf is so snowed ny him she thinks i am lying when he is. I mean he lies so much his lies are getting her hurt. He got kicked out for his being dumb enough to think i would not notice he was doing the same shit as before when I threw him out that time. That is a whole other story in itself.

I went to neuro doc and was said to get a psych doc to prescribe meds that get my in an awful place. They all think I was being non compliant when I was advocating drugs did not help me. Got a second opinion and he said jut mild degeneration do Pilates I finally went back to ny reg doc and pleaded with him to get me an MRI of my back. it was a major source of pain, by that time i was weary of all the docs who i have seen. I may have jumped the gun on that, but i had good reason to. he gave me the order for the test and come to find out what I had thought was related to the herniated discs i have was the right thing. I gave in to him and was glad i was perstiant about it. now i do know that all the stuff happened to me was most likely symptoms of the discs being herniated. 

That is it. i am not going to go as far to say the docs names, it does not matter anyways the only way to change or rectify the whole thing is to let he docs know they were wrong or at least know I fought the fight. As hard as I had it i kept my head enough to get the things done.

worthless is not a good feeling

When it gets to the point that we feel worthless ourselves, then we have to begin to think why and how did it get this bad that we feel our self worth is not as good as it should be. We lose sight of what the main goal is for us, when we let the thinking go south for the winter. and forget we all make mistakes and we all have a story to tell that makes us stronger than maybe someone else. In reality we are just trying to justify how others see us when we know full well they will think what they want anyways. If we feel worthless, it is because we did something really wrong, like ummmmm, get up in the morning. 

For the people who feel they are not worthy of being here, it is a feeling that we get. It is  something in us telling us things are not all right. Find that thing and let it heal. It will do wonders for you. Mind you I am talking experience only. No education could tell em this anyways, it is something only you or me can get to. Healing the mind will change your perspective on how you deal with feeling worthless, as not making it go away cause it hurts. My reality as of now is when I felt worthless at times, I thought is was the end, Now I know I just needed to heal the things that were so damaged, I thought i would never get better. Well feeling worthless...i figured to let it teach me to understand why the pain is so bad and to let the sucker out of me and face what is bothering me the most. 

In the days to follow this week especially, I need to get on the ball to get some things taken care of by the end of the week hopefully. What i am going to do is make sure I have everything I need to get some things done. I will make a list and check it twice then make sure all is correct and ready. good luck to me.

In everything we do

In every thing we want or need

When someone treats another badly 

the punishment should fit the crime

It does not mean we have to be just as bad

It does mean if a person has the balls to 

Treat others who are not like them

Constantly egging on fights, and then some

Then you have to know 

This person will not care who is right

Justifiable fallacies are not good to use

Yet we still get hurt by the ones who use the fallacies

In ways to depict some people

As less than human or even stupid

In response to this type of persona

Fighting can help when you have the knowledge

to know they are just ignorant

More than they treat you

Respect has to be earned 

It is not just there 

you have to prove you are worthy of respect and dignity

When you have shown no respect to anyone

Blind of your own wrong doing 

does not mean you get off scot free

Just wait and see

honesty and integrity have more pull

then deceit ever will 

I have been looking at my other blog to get the ones i like the most on here. Here is one of the ones i posted. 

things do change

I have been through a lot recently and saw this poem in my book. I thought how it applies to what is going on with me now. Quick and slow changing.

Things Change

When you are not looking
Things change
Sometimes you don't expect
What the change will be

Changing ever so slowly
Or quick as a whip
Life throws you
The proverbial curve ball

I have been through a change
It will be something
To change the course
Of who I am to be

I can see how my life
Can be something good or bad
Depending on another
Depending on what they do

Life forever moving
Changing what we see
This will be a challenge
Of who I plan to be



Becky Smith 10/4/11

my kitty

my last post...

I have done everything i could to help people and I am glad if I was able to help, but when I needed help people started to leave or not believe i was sick. I still get the symptoms i had started with in October. I have been doing my own research, why? The doctors who sat there and belittled my intelligence decide what I have or don't have, regardless if it is there in plain sight what happens when I get the symptoms. My nephew who still thinks i am scared of him had better be glad he is still around. I am tired of his stupid bullshit. He thinks he tough, only when he hides behind others or gets me from my family so he can feel big. Well guess what you will lose soon and it will be a pleasure to see you hurt for once. My son who got hurt, had to keep on hurting me with his words too. Everyone hurt me with words, knowing i was worthless by their standards made it home what my dad said to me a long time ago. I was worthless and i was nothing important. Thanks to those who felt they had to remind me of this all the time. I had been there for everyone as best as I can, when I have something really wrong the few who left hurt me just as bad, but i am good person and see past those little things. I still have in my head they would go in a heartbeat if i started complaining about my stuff again. I have to keep my pain and suffering a secret to keep others happy. I thank myself for this because I could put my stuff behind for others. It is what I wanted more than ever to help others feel good about themselves. I wanted to open a drop in center to help those who had no voice, but my voice has been dampened by the ones who can't even think i have had stuff so bad it is killing my spirit and my will to want to go on. I hope for the sake of this world we learn that all this hate has a price and all this bad mouthing people or thinking that everyone lies is going to be the down fall of this world. Help us all if we succumb to the torment we put us through just to feel good for a second. The ego is not worth losing the good in us. We all have good as well as bad, we just chose to believe the bad first. Sad fact is it is going to cause us to just die off and we are condoning the things going on. Hurting people who just want to be happy is not right and never will be. If I come back remember one thing, I fought my own mind to get back to the place where I am walking and talking. You do not want to believe it, well if it weren't for my son and hubby I would have just withered and died. Now I do not know if it was the best thing to give everyone a chance to be good to me. What hurts is that is all i ever wanted was everyone i know near and far give me something to be happy for. I can't be happy if i can't be the real me. i am not crazy or bipolar. i am angry and hurt so bad it just overruns me trying to give my own mind a good place again. I want to know happiness, but when I get always put second for things that i need help with like us losing our place, because the landlord cant admit he moved me in a bed bug infested place, even though i was willing to pay half, he still blamed me. The the bug guy tells him i did not go by his rules. really I look at my arms and legs and hands and feet and body and see the enormous amount of bites on me. I felt bad because he blamed me. then now he says i gotta go for the rent. You ass you will never ever see how wrong you are for treating people like crap. Oh well in the end does it matter? He gets what he wants i get evicted and homeless. My doctors at the Er in UH suck they sat their and treated me so bad it hurt me wholly. Did i get anything for this, did i get a sorry or a look my way to say well we were wrong. No. I guess the people who are bad get their way more than not. My nephew who used me over and over gets away with it, when I was dealing with so much I needed help. City of South Euclid would rather say it is me. Not one of them think i am normal, they think i am crazy as hell, but when my nephew sits there and belittles me to the point he is say slanderous shit he gets his due and gets away with it. To all of those people who hurt me thanks and i don't forget it but i let it go and try to deal with the fact they hurt me. i am too good of a person to let my anger keep me from helping , but i cant take the anger anymore it is not me. I am tired of being angry for  the right reason and getting nothing but condemnation. 

Been thinking about things...

I have been on a so called journey is what is supposed to be the thought on my life. It is not a journey so much as it is a freaking mountainous region in my world I would rather not have to see so much of. I want a simple field with some flowers and trees around it in a way i feel good. There are real times where i feel I am not worthy of being here at all and it sucks wad. I also get this by far the most from some, why do you air your supposed dirty laundry. It is something that was said to me, but at the time it was taken that way because a little whisperer said to this person...I DO NOT LIE. Yeah when cows can talk English i will believe this one. Here are the reasons for why I sit here and show people the things i have going on.

• I am not ashamed of the things I talk about and I do know why not. 
• PTSD is a killer and it is a part of the worst things i encountered, so I speak to how I know the things I know.
• How can we learn from mistakes made, when we are too afraid to tell the truth, so I make it easier, I tell the truth. 
• Last but not least...My problems are the kinds most people sweep away and I am not afraid to talk about the "dirty little secrets" it will be seen anyways. 

These may not seem like reasons, but they are what they are and my problems are wild at times. Take this story a person who supposedly hates me for whatever reason, decides to get nasty with me the other day and I really don't get why it is my problem for the stuff they seem to do to get this type of anger I feel. I will say this to the whole thing of it...if you do not watch how you treat others, they will not care after a while if they call you out to stop the shit going on between the two of anyone, this would be me and the other person. Another list...

1. Top of the list is if you do wrong it will catch up to you and you as the person doing wrong will eventually screw up and get yourself in trouble. I have seen it many times and will stand by this one. 
2. If you cannot do more than you are for any type of reason, it does not give any other the right to judge you for it. Unless you are feeling anything I feel and have been where i have been in my head, then shut up if you think you know me and don't. it is not appreciated in the least to think you know me when you do not. 
3. Being honest and.blunt is not a bad thing...we have cursed society with too much negative for individuality because of our state of mind, or even what we have come to know. Example; If I say i have a emotional setback going on and I speak about it, that is what it is...reality.
4. Lastly.............We are all humans no matter where we come from, what we believe in and how we were raised to be. I did not have it all that good and I learned that being nice is good, but there is a price to this kind of way. Has it gotten that bad in our country that nice is the new not nice?

Believe in what I say and know. i did not come by my thinking on my own...the way of the world at this time seems to be corruption gets the upper hand in this time period. 

I say this by way pf personal experiences as of late. My own family had to see that I was not faking it when I had the problems with the doctors at the ER i usually go to. The fact is I was treated bad and the doctor who treated me was malicious in his treatment of me. No joke and not going to sugar coat that. I still am hurt by the fact he had taken his authority and abused me with it. It was that bad too...hitting me in the chest is not a safety measure when the heart is still beating at all. I thought about it a length to why I am so perturbed by this. He was very wrong and he used me for his anger, when I was not able to move enough to stop it. I wanted to die that day, really just die after he said that. (sad fact for me) My son was the saving grace in this part of the story. I just kept thinking he needs me and if I go now what will happen to my bright, behavior ridden son. He is my world and my hubby is my best friend, husband, soul mate and on and on. I love my hubby so much and thank my own head for giving him the chance to be with me for life. he was the second person I thought about. I have lost friends, hit rock bottom and thought i was lost forever in my hurt. I am not, but until I get my respect back, he will be my crux in my ass so to speak. 

Last thing to say and bold it will be. I AM ALIVE AND DEALING WITH MY HEALTH ISSUES AS BEST AS i CAN AND I DO NOT THINK ANYONE SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY MY TRYING.

To be me and know what I have felt would give a lot of people some insight, into a world no one wants to go to...such is life my friends

LOUD AND PROUD...Whether we like or not there are too many people who need to grow up and be smarter in how you treat others. I understand the background stuff, but only you can see the truth and understand it. What you say or do to others has a real effect on how the person feels when you are at a point of needing help. In the end it is the "PEOPLE" we hurt the most who deserve to be heard. Nough said.