When you think everything is going good, you get hit in the face with reality. No matter how many times you try to think it is going to be okay it just gets back to the real world and you wonder how to take it.
My hubby who has been having mental hurt for a long time has had another breakdown. I love him very much and the guilt I feel for thinking about what I had thought about ways heavy in my mind and heart. Is love enough to stay the course and help him fight even when he gets mad at me for doing the right thing.
It is a sad day for me to say i let my fear of his anger, which by no means is physical, but the aggressiveness of his words hurts me and I decided to not call the cops to take him in again. My fear overrode my sense of knowing it was the right thing. I feel bad for him, not only because I love him, but because the pain and hurt is so deep it is not letting go so easy. I have been there and some of it has been recent too.
Guilt...my guilt is huge with this. I feel like it is me who is making him sicker. I feel like if I were not in his life he would be better off. I am probably wrong, but guilt has a way of messing up how you think. I wonder sometimes if I am just the cause of everyone's grief in my family. Do I do it or is it the guilt saying it is me?
The one thing I have on my side is hope. It falters a lot when things go wrong for me. Yet it sticks in my brain to keep me going and to not run away from everyone when I really want to. So I will keep the hope and actually hope that the way I feel will get better real soon, so I can help me then help my hubby again like I used to. Overloaded in the brain, pain and mental hurt is clouding some so I just go on til it is better.
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