being real

I want to be real. I do not want to bother people because I feel like I am a bother to people. It is something that I feel in my mind. Whether that is real or not, I cannot be sure. I can't say I feel alone, but I feel on the outside of the world and all I want is to have a better feeling with life itself. I am not wanting to go away, that is not it. I want to be real. I want to be treated with respect again. I don't want people to lie to me. I don't want anymore of the anger I get directed at me for just being me. I know others will say I am complaining, but I have real things going on and I do not get the answers I just need to make my life as good as it can be when or if it may get worse with a few things. i want to stop being labeled by my bipolar "condition". If it is complaining so be it, but to be put off because i was labeled with a mental illness sucks. To sit and take the emotional hurt I have taken and to just go on and deal with it badly or not. I just want to be real to people not a scapegoat or a label. I have some dignity in me still to know it hurts and I still try to be real. My motto to end this is...Honesty may hurt, but when you lie it has to be kept up and the lies get bigger and bigger to the point you forget what is real and what is not. Honesty you do not have to be something you are not, you are just you. I like that kind of thing. Honesty is real. 

thing are not perfect

When you think everything is going good, you get hit in the face with reality. No matter how many times you try to think it is going to be okay it just gets back to the real world and you wonder how to take it.

My hubby who has been having mental hurt for a long time has had another breakdown. I love him very much and the guilt I feel for thinking about what I had thought about ways heavy in my mind and heart. Is love enough to stay the course and help him fight even when he gets mad at me for doing the right thing. 

It is a sad  day for me to say i let my fear of his anger, which by no means is physical, but the aggressiveness of his words hurts me and I decided to not call the cops to take him in again. My fear overrode my sense of knowing it was the right thing. I feel bad for him, not only because I love him, but because the pain and hurt is so deep it is not letting go so easy. I have been there and some of it has been recent too.

Guilt...my guilt is huge with this. I feel like it is me who is making him sicker. I feel like if I were not in his life he would be better off. I am probably wrong, but guilt has a way of messing up how you think. I wonder sometimes if I am just the cause of everyone's grief in my family. Do I do it or is it the guilt saying it is me? 

The one thing I have on my side is hope. It falters a lot when things go wrong for me. Yet it sticks in my brain to keep me going and to not run away from everyone when I really want to. So I will keep the hope and actually hope that the way I feel will get better real soon, so I can help me then help my hubby again like I used to. Overloaded in the brain, pain and mental hurt is clouding some so I just go on til it is better. 

poem

How can you see
When you are clouded by the hurt
How do you know
You can fight yourself when everything is crumbling

Do you have the strength to look beyond your hurt
To take the punches given
When you know you
Should not

In all that you have learned
About self worth and the inner peace
About strength and moving on
When it hurts it gets so hard to get just past it

In everything you know
the true spirit will come out
How long and when is the question
How sure are we to get it out
And really move on

Becky Smith 4/18/13

My last few weeks

The last few weeks has been the ride of my life. I have written about my husbands mental troubles before and kinda decided to put my own feelings off. Well Let me say this simply, I feel like I have just blown my gasket in my head. I try to sit here and make sense of how i feel and what or why it is feeling so bad, but no dice. 

I am taking a couple psych meds again and to tell the truth I feel worse after taking them. At least that is how it seems. my hubby says the same thing too. i cry for no reason (well I am sure the reasons i have said are more for therapy then the meds) My opinion though is that you have to be true to yourself and say what is honest in your mind. I have had difficulty with psych meds for many long years. I had to explain to my son they over medicated me for the years i was so depressed I could barely live and take care of the things I needed to. I did, but until you go through it do not judge and say i was just getting worse. By the time I was so fed up with meds I stopped them to feel better than I was. I was right though, after I stopped them I was more like me again. Problem is I was considered non-compliant. The doctors I dealt with only saw my illness, not the trouble I was having. That is that for this part.

I want to try and take the meds I am supposed to take for my bipolar, but what if I just can't. I should not have to be looked at as a pariah for something like this. When did doctors all of a sudden become psychiatrists when they are not. It hurts when I here you have bipolar do you take meds and why not. That is a whole ball of wax I am too tired to fight about anymore. 

Last thing I want to say is that I have problems with degenerative back disorder and had to find out I do not remember how, but there is stenosis in my neck and I am not sure if my back is getting worse fast or slow. I do know that I should be told when there is something wrong with a part of my body so I can learn to deal with it and get the best type of doctoring to get the best type of treatment. I am getting pain treatment by a good doctor and that is a start, hopefully he can point me in the right direction. 

I did forget about the anxiety and the depression. I just want to be heard and not be told that I am non compliant or a bitch for things i really cannot help. Depression cannot be helped with pills with me, then think smart, therapy.

My first book.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/397101   this is the link to my first book. please go to it and leave a review for me.

The Rant that should have been sooner...

I do not try to rant on my page for people getting in my damned business about me. i just put my hubby in the hospital one more time. He has no other thing to really do with it, but have the horrible trying time of being manic and hurt. Go ahead and piss me off again. i have to teach my kid not to be pissy at "crazy" people because of the attitudes in my family alone. I never would go against them, but some of them need to grow the fuck up and know it is not all about them either and when they do wrong they should help get the wrong right. I should not have to. I love my family do not get me wrong but some of them need to really grow the fuck up and get a life worthy of bitching about. My son is my world I hurt him bad for all the hurt i was given and it made it that much worse, but I love the hell out my kid and at 15 he does tell me maybe. Won't give that one up he will be embarrassed if he hears i say he does. He is a damned good kid to me even though I did what i did and is really doing so well with the hurt i caused him and he caused me is no more for me. he means the world to me and I am tired of the stigmatization type of shit that goes with the "crazy fucking word crazy" Now i am done. Poor or not i pay my way more than others and I do the best i can why mess that up for him more when I am trying to damned his thinking of me trying to want to die before. It hurt me too. I wanted to end his hurt and pain. Did anyone ask me that. It was the whole thing I wanted to end his and my hubby hurt from me. so go suck eggs to people who cannot handle the damned truth. That was a past rant that just came flooding out. Hugs to my friends for being there too. it meant a lot

I posted this on Facebook thinking about what I said and know for a fact that this country is so screwed up sometimes in the priorities of the people it sucks. And the bad thing is the people that really do help do not get enough attention to how they help even when it is anonymous it should be said they are here. When i was down at he shelter there were some churches who had their word to get out, but they truly thought they were trying to make a difference by helping and were so much wanting to take the hurt these girls had and scrub it clean with the help of the lord and to go on and and let the past go and go on to better. Departing just a bit from the religious tone, the whole gist i got being on  the outside of it is that they were helping and they cared. Most people see homeless people as drug addicts or alcoholics or mental patients who were too sick. Not true i met some people that had kids that were having a hard time due to either a job loss or just that one person had gotten in a bad rut like i did. It is not all like it said to be. Just because a person perceives a place or a person a less than does not mean they are. There was a wonderful guy who was extremely different because he has seen war and it got him. I used to give him cigs and just a hello to make his day less hurtful. He smiled several of the times i seen him even though he was talking about the booms of bombs. Some were scared, I was not. For the life of me i do not ever think if you were in my shoes you would think the way you do now. if have been you know it already and bless your hearts you made it upwards. I did, but i left some good women down there hoping for the best. 

When things may look bad
Keep your hope
It will turn around
Things can look up

You just want to feel 
Like things are on the right track
When things keep going wrong
Is there hope

Yes there is 
What goes down
Does come up
You have to see that somehow

Even if it is just a glimmer
Or a small shard
Of hope in your mind
Grab it and go

It can get better
even in the worst of times
Hope is al we got
Hope is what we need



Rebecca Smith           1/27/11


I still hope and when there seems to be no hope i keep hoping and when i see my world changes for my better.