Sunday was the fight of my life

I had the fight of my life on Sunday. It was an internal fight for my own life. What to do? Where do I go from here? How do I fight the impulses I get? Do I give into the seduction of suicide?


I was contemplating how to end my life...when, where, how and why. What can I say, I am human in respect to feelings. What was inhuman to me was the fact that I was deciding to kill myself on Sunday. Had it planned out in my head. Take my pills and just go to sleep and never wake up again. I was wrestling with the fact that I could even think of this and actually get to the point I did. I cried harder than I have ever cried before. I felt that there was no other way to redeem myself for the wrong I had been doing. I wanted to say goodbye to all my family and just end the suffering I felt. I will explain the suffering in simple terms. It is the feeling like no other feeling. You feel you are hurting so bad it will never end. The feeling of sleep and wanting to not wake up to see again how bad I was to myself. 


As the day wore on I was numb but feeling the pure depression. I hit rock bottom in my mind and it was making me feel numb physically and mentally I was so deep in the depression I did not think I could ever climb up out of the abyss I was in. Feeling so low I was not sure how I could get out of this. Suicide seemed the only option in my mind. To end the total suffering I was so tired of feeling. There was also the draw of wanting to end my life. It is like a drug you can't do without. It was drawing me into the impulse. I was on auto pilot from then on. Not seeing anything but death in my eyes. 


In one weird call to my brother, I decided to tell him to bring me cigarettes. No questions asked, just bring them to me. He did and I was diverted from the impulse just by calling him that day. My brother had saved my life without knowing it. That is until I told him yesterday. It was important for him to know he did something really good without knowing it. I thank him for just being him and not asking what I needed the cigs for. He just brought them and did not ask questions about why. 


My family who lives with me are good to me even if they do not know it. They all have a purpose in my life at this time and I am glad to have them all. My mom  and brother who may not be perfect are worthy of being thanked for just being them. My only wish is for my mom and brother to stop arguing with each other over silly things. It would mean a great deal to me to see them get along once in a while. 


The end!

There is a saying

What goes around comes around

I have seen the good side

Of that very phrase

One good turn deserves another

That also has been found

To have truth to it

First hand knowledge of this

I may not do as good

As another

I do as good as I am capable

And the good turn came to me

To know people are good out there

Not everyone has the attitude

It seems I have come 

In contact with personally

I am wrong in one thing

There are good people

Ones who do care truthfully

Not act as if they do

An run at the sign of trouble

Becky Smith 1/13/12

My niece

This about my niece. She is not speaking to me at this time. I don't say I blame her, because I had to kick her dad out of the apartment we live in. I had no choice and that is all I am going to say about that. I wish there was someway I could make it all better between us, but I can't. She has to be the one to stop being angry with me. Whether I did the right thing or not is now the past. I love my niece to death. She is the one shining light in the doom and gloom in the family. I liked to talk to her about stuff and I liked everything we said. My son as smart as he is, needs some work in the behavior department. He is learning and my shining light being my son. My niece is special to me and it is hard for me to not know how she is doing and how good she does in school. Works hard to get good grades. Well I hope one day she sees me and we work out the one thing that hurt her. It was not meant to hurt her. If I did something it was the last resort. I did try. 

rainbow full of colors

I have a rainbow
That is full of colors
I see them so clearly right now
It feels so good to me


Why the sudden change
I don't know
It feels so weird
To be seeing the light so bright


A switch of all switches
So fast my head is spinning
I am going to take 
What is in front of me


Yet the fear the sadness
Will return soon 
Puts a damper on feeling good
Not for long though


Feeling good is nice
The special feeling of happiness
Is something I don't take for granted
It is something I cherish
Not push away




Becky Smith              12/28/11




What a switch in moods. I am spinning as I said, but I am happy to feel good. I will not push myself into depression if I can help it. Happy day to all.

I feel horrible
I wish there was more to life
Than feeling like crap all the time
When will I feel good


It's not the body 
That betrays me this time
No imbalance as I see
So what is the deal to the depression


If I could just figure out
The things which are bothering me
Which have a hold on my being
Maybe, just maybe I will feel okay


For now I wait
I try to see the good
In the bad I feel this time
I hope for a miracle
This will lift and I can be me again








Becky Smith                                 12/25/11

The Life

The Life


What is the life
I am living in now
The decay of my mind
Seems so much further now


Depression is teeming
Through the good days I have
Seems to be more now
Than ever before


In the good days 
I feel happy as a lark
Wanting to feel it 
Forever ever more


Yet the despair in my mind
Keeps coming back
To threaten my resolve
Too waiver my being










Becky Smith                                          11/26/11


This is how I feel at times with the changes in my moods. It may be some depressing sounding, but there are happy days too. 

today i write

Just a quick one this day. I would like to say this...don't take things for granted, be glad you have what you have. That is all i have for today. I think it speaks volumes though.