My last few weeks

The last few weeks has been the ride of my life. I have written about my husbands mental troubles before and kinda decided to put my own feelings off. Well Let me say this simply, I feel like I have just blown my gasket in my head. I try to sit here and make sense of how i feel and what or why it is feeling so bad, but no dice. 

I am taking a couple psych meds again and to tell the truth I feel worse after taking them. At least that is how it seems. my hubby says the same thing too. i cry for no reason (well I am sure the reasons i have said are more for therapy then the meds) My opinion though is that you have to be true to yourself and say what is honest in your mind. I have had difficulty with psych meds for many long years. I had to explain to my son they over medicated me for the years i was so depressed I could barely live and take care of the things I needed to. I did, but until you go through it do not judge and say i was just getting worse. By the time I was so fed up with meds I stopped them to feel better than I was. I was right though, after I stopped them I was more like me again. Problem is I was considered non-compliant. The doctors I dealt with only saw my illness, not the trouble I was having. That is that for this part.

I want to try and take the meds I am supposed to take for my bipolar, but what if I just can't. I should not have to be looked at as a pariah for something like this. When did doctors all of a sudden become psychiatrists when they are not. It hurts when I here you have bipolar do you take meds and why not. That is a whole ball of wax I am too tired to fight about anymore. 

Last thing I want to say is that I have problems with degenerative back disorder and had to find out I do not remember how, but there is stenosis in my neck and I am not sure if my back is getting worse fast or slow. I do know that I should be told when there is something wrong with a part of my body so I can learn to deal with it and get the best type of doctoring to get the best type of treatment. I am getting pain treatment by a good doctor and that is a start, hopefully he can point me in the right direction. 

I did forget about the anxiety and the depression. I just want to be heard and not be told that I am non compliant or a bitch for things i really cannot help. Depression cannot be helped with pills with me, then think smart, therapy.

My first book.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/397101   this is the link to my first book. please go to it and leave a review for me.

The Rant that should have been sooner...

I do not try to rant on my page for people getting in my damned business about me. i just put my hubby in the hospital one more time. He has no other thing to really do with it, but have the horrible trying time of being manic and hurt. Go ahead and piss me off again. i have to teach my kid not to be pissy at "crazy" people because of the attitudes in my family alone. I never would go against them, but some of them need to grow the fuck up and know it is not all about them either and when they do wrong they should help get the wrong right. I should not have to. I love my family do not get me wrong but some of them need to really grow the fuck up and get a life worthy of bitching about. My son is my world I hurt him bad for all the hurt i was given and it made it that much worse, but I love the hell out my kid and at 15 he does tell me maybe. Won't give that one up he will be embarrassed if he hears i say he does. He is a damned good kid to me even though I did what i did and is really doing so well with the hurt i caused him and he caused me is no more for me. he means the world to me and I am tired of the stigmatization type of shit that goes with the "crazy fucking word crazy" Now i am done. Poor or not i pay my way more than others and I do the best i can why mess that up for him more when I am trying to damned his thinking of me trying to want to die before. It hurt me too. I wanted to end his hurt and pain. Did anyone ask me that. It was the whole thing I wanted to end his and my hubby hurt from me. so go suck eggs to people who cannot handle the damned truth. That was a past rant that just came flooding out. Hugs to my friends for being there too. it meant a lot

I posted this on Facebook thinking about what I said and know for a fact that this country is so screwed up sometimes in the priorities of the people it sucks. And the bad thing is the people that really do help do not get enough attention to how they help even when it is anonymous it should be said they are here. When i was down at he shelter there were some churches who had their word to get out, but they truly thought they were trying to make a difference by helping and were so much wanting to take the hurt these girls had and scrub it clean with the help of the lord and to go on and and let the past go and go on to better. Departing just a bit from the religious tone, the whole gist i got being on  the outside of it is that they were helping and they cared. Most people see homeless people as drug addicts or alcoholics or mental patients who were too sick. Not true i met some people that had kids that were having a hard time due to either a job loss or just that one person had gotten in a bad rut like i did. It is not all like it said to be. Just because a person perceives a place or a person a less than does not mean they are. There was a wonderful guy who was extremely different because he has seen war and it got him. I used to give him cigs and just a hello to make his day less hurtful. He smiled several of the times i seen him even though he was talking about the booms of bombs. Some were scared, I was not. For the life of me i do not ever think if you were in my shoes you would think the way you do now. if have been you know it already and bless your hearts you made it upwards. I did, but i left some good women down there hoping for the best. 

When things may look bad
Keep your hope
It will turn around
Things can look up

You just want to feel 
Like things are on the right track
When things keep going wrong
Is there hope

Yes there is 
What goes down
Does come up
You have to see that somehow

Even if it is just a glimmer
Or a small shard
Of hope in your mind
Grab it and go

It can get better
even in the worst of times
Hope is al we got
Hope is what we need



Rebecca Smith           1/27/11


I still hope and when there seems to be no hope i keep hoping and when i see my world changes for my better.

https://www.facebook.com/MentalIllnessInTheFamilyHowDoYouCope


my page on Facebook. gotta look at it hopefully I can get better stuff on there. 

Birdie1120

my shoes are worn

My shoes are worn

From every step i had to take

To get to the fact

I feel like I am never going to be worthy

Of the life I want to live

Quiet, no pain and being just me

When will this happen?

When I decide to walk away from it all

Take my husband and maybe my son

My son is being swayed by the people

Who make it seem I am crazy. 

Why is your decision to deem me crazy?

Have you lived my life?

Have you fell through so many cracks

You feel broken and sore

From all the mental beatings 

I have gotten in a few months

Those who know me, really know me

Know I am close to walking away from this society

Just find a small place where i can be with

The ones who do care or actually love me

Walk in my shoes and you find all holes

The wearing so bad i need new ones

This is not in my future at all

I don't deserve what everyone wants

I life that has meaning to me 

It was just taken

And made to mean nothing

Or to be laughed at, and then dismissed

Like my pain means damned nothing

I am not sure which is worse,

The mental anguish, or the physical pain...

Sometimes the mental anguish is more than I can handle

I go on and just want peace in my life and to know

For all the fighting I did, it was worth it.

Becky Smith

this is something i wrote when i was angry with the docs for not listening to me. I still have some trouble, but they are seeing that it is more real than "fake" as was said. It is just to get a diagnosis is like pulling teeth now, back when i was in my 20's i would have gotten a diagnosis sooner than i have now. I hope still it does not get bad before they get it. At least they are seeing the numbness is real it is still weird to me, but i am more with it when it comes to that.

I have noticed the last few months when i was having all kinds of trouble that I am not allowed to get angry. I am not allowed to get help for something i knew was wrong with me, and if i protest, I am wrong. Plus when I do need help, i get treated poorly by it seems everyone. There are a few who stuck by me, and I am glad for those people who gave a shit. Yet in reality, there were a lot of people who seemed to take my right to get help and make it out to be my mental illness, not a real problem. When did my bipolar disorder dictate how i get care from all concerned. I am not supposed to fight when I know I need to have something that is compromising me, is getting worse each time i get plagued with symptoms. Well...uh lucky for my stubborn pride, or maybe I was smart enough to see this was not normal for me to get all these unrelated symptoms and in a few months time to keep at it. Let me look at this again.

I get nerve blocks done and the doctor who took care of me basically labeled me as an pain pill addict. (that is the way anyone would have seen that). Why because I have had probems with pain, and while this was going on, certain family members felt it was ok to steal my pain meds. When I said something I got my balls busted for even accusing them at that time. Come to find out they not only stole mine, but decided to steal my husbands meds I was going to get rid of when there was a way to safely. Then I was getting symptoms of my diabetes (first time had symptoms) and it was not the fault of the doctor who gave me the nerve block. I was off my diabetes meds for almost a year, sugars were so good I did not need to check everyday. I am on them again and my sugars are still not right. 

One month after that, I had gotten symptoms of a stroke. Slurred speech,tingling and numbness going on. I had to use a walker and a cane to walk around. I was not happy with the fact that I had no signs of stroke and here I am trying to talk normal again and walk normal as well. I was doing good for a bit where there was minimal use of the cane and my speech got better. That was not so bad considering what happened after back hat.

The second round of symptoms were more aggressive in nature. I had gone for back pain which was the start of this round. i did not get a CAT scan ti see why my spine hurt in my upper back. I was given drugs to calm the pain and muscles and then was told it was most likely my muscles hurting. I said quite clearly it was my spine. did not matter they already diagnosed me. then the second set of symptoms started with a vengeance. my heart was racing and i went to the ER at the insistence of my home health care nurse. That is the when I was noticing the treatment I got was a little on the nasty side.they were going by what the EKG said and acted like i was causing this stuff going on. I went on four mor times to the ER asking for them to help me find out what is causing this. i got put off and said i was dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. The truth is I was anxious, but it was not like e to get it this bad. If they had looked at my records for my mental illness, they would see it was not one of my problems.The one time i went on a Sunday I had complained of pain in my chest on and off and it hurt. well I wanted to make sure this was not going to turn into a heart attack my bro had two. I was scared out of my mind because I had a normal EKG again yet all of a sudden my back hurt so bad i was crying for help then a minute or two later it went right to my chest. It felt like a Mack truck was hitting me in my chest. I was blown off as if I was acting like it hurt, not that it did hurt that bad. They were treating me again like it was a panic attack. Stop for one moment and drink this in, I had one panic attack when my son was about 1 1/2. One not several. Here I am again wondering if anyone will give mee the time of day to see why these things are happening and the tests are normal, but they are happening. They took the easy way out and said it was my mental illness.

Second major bout if symptoms were off the wall as well. I felt like I was filled with fluid in my head and around my chest. I am not sure what to call what happened to me, I never really thought until now to see what it was. I was not responding to commands as well as i should be i could hear everything and i felt the pain too. Who knows why that happened. I do know when I tried that doctor got mad because i was not moving when he wanted and was not responding as good as he wanted. I could not i tried and it was horrible to hear the doctor say I was faking and tried to get me into psych. After everything started to settle in me I was able to get my eyes open and then it seemed like a piece of cake to get the right side going, the left side not as good. I had gotten mad because my legs were not working but i was feeling things still.it was like my brain was not working right to get the moving going in the left side not as much as the right. but i was clear as bell telling my mom as best as i could that i heard the doctor say what he said about me faking. I can't even describe the feeling except defeated. Then the other feeling of wait my kid and husband need me I can't let hem down. While this was going on my nephew was steady saying he was going too help then did the minimal to help. He usually asked his gf to see what I needed when he was too lazy to help me. I got some conflicting thinking going on there. Is he snowing me again or is he really trying. On top of that I was fighting people in my family over this whole thing. Was she faking or is she having a breakdown. Neither as I know now. All this time my husband was in the hospital due to the nephews thinking ti was funny to get my husband going when he was trying to get to the bottom of his stuff going on.

Well after all that happened i was still having minor troubles with my body doing what it wants. I had someone keeping an eye on me, he was getting pissed at how i was being manipulated by my nephew. The fucked up part is my nephew who was sticking to me like glue with trying to "making it right" all the while just finding a place to crash ad do what he wants. His gf is so snowed ny him she thinks i am lying when he is. I mean he lies so much his lies are getting her hurt. He got kicked out for his being dumb enough to think i would not notice he was doing the same shit as before when I threw him out that time. That is a whole other story in itself.

I went to neuro doc and was said to get a psych doc to prescribe meds that get my in an awful place. They all think I was being non compliant when I was advocating drugs did not help me. Got a second opinion and he said jut mild degeneration do Pilates I finally went back to ny reg doc and pleaded with him to get me an MRI of my back. it was a major source of pain, by that time i was weary of all the docs who i have seen. I may have jumped the gun on that, but i had good reason to. he gave me the order for the test and come to find out what I had thought was related to the herniated discs i have was the right thing. I gave in to him and was glad i was perstiant about it. now i do know that all the stuff happened to me was most likely symptoms of the discs being herniated. 

That is it. i am not going to go as far to say the docs names, it does not matter anyways the only way to change or rectify the whole thing is to let he docs know they were wrong or at least know I fought the fight. As hard as I had it i kept my head enough to get the things done.