worthless is not a good feeling

When it gets to the point that we feel worthless ourselves, then we have to begin to think why and how did it get this bad that we feel our self worth is not as good as it should be. We lose sight of what the main goal is for us, when we let the thinking go south for the winter. and forget we all make mistakes and we all have a story to tell that makes us stronger than maybe someone else. In reality we are just trying to justify how others see us when we know full well they will think what they want anyways. If we feel worthless, it is because we did something really wrong, like ummmmm, get up in the morning. 

For the people who feel they are not worthy of being here, it is a feeling that we get. It is  something in us telling us things are not all right. Find that thing and let it heal. It will do wonders for you. Mind you I am talking experience only. No education could tell em this anyways, it is something only you or me can get to. Healing the mind will change your perspective on how you deal with feeling worthless, as not making it go away cause it hurts. My reality as of now is when I felt worthless at times, I thought is was the end, Now I know I just needed to heal the things that were so damaged, I thought i would never get better. Well feeling worthless...i figured to let it teach me to understand why the pain is so bad and to let the sucker out of me and face what is bothering me the most. 

In the days to follow this week especially, I need to get on the ball to get some things taken care of by the end of the week hopefully. What i am going to do is make sure I have everything I need to get some things done. I will make a list and check it twice then make sure all is correct and ready. good luck to me.

In everything we do

In every thing we want or need

When someone treats another badly 

the punishment should fit the crime

It does not mean we have to be just as bad

It does mean if a person has the balls to 

Treat others who are not like them

Constantly egging on fights, and then some

Then you have to know 

This person will not care who is right

Justifiable fallacies are not good to use

Yet we still get hurt by the ones who use the fallacies

In ways to depict some people

As less than human or even stupid

In response to this type of persona

Fighting can help when you have the knowledge

to know they are just ignorant

More than they treat you

Respect has to be earned 

It is not just there 

you have to prove you are worthy of respect and dignity

When you have shown no respect to anyone

Blind of your own wrong doing 

does not mean you get off scot free

Just wait and see

honesty and integrity have more pull

then deceit ever will 

I have been looking at my other blog to get the ones i like the most on here. Here is one of the ones i posted. 

things do change

I have been through a lot recently and saw this poem in my book. I thought how it applies to what is going on with me now. Quick and slow changing.

Things Change

When you are not looking
Things change
Sometimes you don't expect
What the change will be

Changing ever so slowly
Or quick as a whip
Life throws you
The proverbial curve ball

I have been through a change
It will be something
To change the course
Of who I am to be

I can see how my life
Can be something good or bad
Depending on another
Depending on what they do

Life forever moving
Changing what we see
This will be a challenge
Of who I plan to be



Becky Smith 10/4/11

my kitty

my last post...

I have done everything i could to help people and I am glad if I was able to help, but when I needed help people started to leave or not believe i was sick. I still get the symptoms i had started with in October. I have been doing my own research, why? The doctors who sat there and belittled my intelligence decide what I have or don't have, regardless if it is there in plain sight what happens when I get the symptoms. My nephew who still thinks i am scared of him had better be glad he is still around. I am tired of his stupid bullshit. He thinks he tough, only when he hides behind others or gets me from my family so he can feel big. Well guess what you will lose soon and it will be a pleasure to see you hurt for once. My son who got hurt, had to keep on hurting me with his words too. Everyone hurt me with words, knowing i was worthless by their standards made it home what my dad said to me a long time ago. I was worthless and i was nothing important. Thanks to those who felt they had to remind me of this all the time. I had been there for everyone as best as I can, when I have something really wrong the few who left hurt me just as bad, but i am good person and see past those little things. I still have in my head they would go in a heartbeat if i started complaining about my stuff again. I have to keep my pain and suffering a secret to keep others happy. I thank myself for this because I could put my stuff behind for others. It is what I wanted more than ever to help others feel good about themselves. I wanted to open a drop in center to help those who had no voice, but my voice has been dampened by the ones who can't even think i have had stuff so bad it is killing my spirit and my will to want to go on. I hope for the sake of this world we learn that all this hate has a price and all this bad mouthing people or thinking that everyone lies is going to be the down fall of this world. Help us all if we succumb to the torment we put us through just to feel good for a second. The ego is not worth losing the good in us. We all have good as well as bad, we just chose to believe the bad first. Sad fact is it is going to cause us to just die off and we are condoning the things going on. Hurting people who just want to be happy is not right and never will be. If I come back remember one thing, I fought my own mind to get back to the place where I am walking and talking. You do not want to believe it, well if it weren't for my son and hubby I would have just withered and died. Now I do not know if it was the best thing to give everyone a chance to be good to me. What hurts is that is all i ever wanted was everyone i know near and far give me something to be happy for. I can't be happy if i can't be the real me. i am not crazy or bipolar. i am angry and hurt so bad it just overruns me trying to give my own mind a good place again. I want to know happiness, but when I get always put second for things that i need help with like us losing our place, because the landlord cant admit he moved me in a bed bug infested place, even though i was willing to pay half, he still blamed me. The the bug guy tells him i did not go by his rules. really I look at my arms and legs and hands and feet and body and see the enormous amount of bites on me. I felt bad because he blamed me. then now he says i gotta go for the rent. You ass you will never ever see how wrong you are for treating people like crap. Oh well in the end does it matter? He gets what he wants i get evicted and homeless. My doctors at the Er in UH suck they sat their and treated me so bad it hurt me wholly. Did i get anything for this, did i get a sorry or a look my way to say well we were wrong. No. I guess the people who are bad get their way more than not. My nephew who used me over and over gets away with it, when I was dealing with so much I needed help. City of South Euclid would rather say it is me. Not one of them think i am normal, they think i am crazy as hell, but when my nephew sits there and belittles me to the point he is say slanderous shit he gets his due and gets away with it. To all of those people who hurt me thanks and i don't forget it but i let it go and try to deal with the fact they hurt me. i am too good of a person to let my anger keep me from helping , but i cant take the anger anymore it is not me. I am tired of being angry for  the right reason and getting nothing but condemnation. 

Been thinking about things...

I have been on a so called journey is what is supposed to be the thought on my life. It is not a journey so much as it is a freaking mountainous region in my world I would rather not have to see so much of. I want a simple field with some flowers and trees around it in a way i feel good. There are real times where i feel I am not worthy of being here at all and it sucks wad. I also get this by far the most from some, why do you air your supposed dirty laundry. It is something that was said to me, but at the time it was taken that way because a little whisperer said to this person...I DO NOT LIE. Yeah when cows can talk English i will believe this one. Here are the reasons for why I sit here and show people the things i have going on.

• I am not ashamed of the things I talk about and I do know why not. 
• PTSD is a killer and it is a part of the worst things i encountered, so I speak to how I know the things I know.
• How can we learn from mistakes made, when we are too afraid to tell the truth, so I make it easier, I tell the truth. 
• Last but not least...My problems are the kinds most people sweep away and I am not afraid to talk about the "dirty little secrets" it will be seen anyways. 

These may not seem like reasons, but they are what they are and my problems are wild at times. Take this story a person who supposedly hates me for whatever reason, decides to get nasty with me the other day and I really don't get why it is my problem for the stuff they seem to do to get this type of anger I feel. I will say this to the whole thing of it...if you do not watch how you treat others, they will not care after a while if they call you out to stop the shit going on between the two of anyone, this would be me and the other person. Another list...

1. Top of the list is if you do wrong it will catch up to you and you as the person doing wrong will eventually screw up and get yourself in trouble. I have seen it many times and will stand by this one. 
2. If you cannot do more than you are for any type of reason, it does not give any other the right to judge you for it. Unless you are feeling anything I feel and have been where i have been in my head, then shut up if you think you know me and don't. it is not appreciated in the least to think you know me when you do not. 
3. Being honest and.blunt is not a bad thing...we have cursed society with too much negative for individuality because of our state of mind, or even what we have come to know. Example; If I say i have a emotional setback going on and I speak about it, that is what it is...reality.
4. Lastly.............We are all humans no matter where we come from, what we believe in and how we were raised to be. I did not have it all that good and I learned that being nice is good, but there is a price to this kind of way. Has it gotten that bad in our country that nice is the new not nice?

Believe in what I say and know. i did not come by my thinking on my own...the way of the world at this time seems to be corruption gets the upper hand in this time period. 

I say this by way pf personal experiences as of late. My own family had to see that I was not faking it when I had the problems with the doctors at the ER i usually go to. The fact is I was treated bad and the doctor who treated me was malicious in his treatment of me. No joke and not going to sugar coat that. I still am hurt by the fact he had taken his authority and abused me with it. It was that bad too...hitting me in the chest is not a safety measure when the heart is still beating at all. I thought about it a length to why I am so perturbed by this. He was very wrong and he used me for his anger, when I was not able to move enough to stop it. I wanted to die that day, really just die after he said that. (sad fact for me) My son was the saving grace in this part of the story. I just kept thinking he needs me and if I go now what will happen to my bright, behavior ridden son. He is my world and my hubby is my best friend, husband, soul mate and on and on. I love my hubby so much and thank my own head for giving him the chance to be with me for life. he was the second person I thought about. I have lost friends, hit rock bottom and thought i was lost forever in my hurt. I am not, but until I get my respect back, he will be my crux in my ass so to speak. 

Last thing to say and bold it will be. I AM ALIVE AND DEALING WITH MY HEALTH ISSUES AS BEST AS i CAN AND I DO NOT THINK ANYONE SHOULD BE OFFENDED BY MY TRYING.

To be me and know what I have felt would give a lot of people some insight, into a world no one wants to go to...such is life my friends

LOUD AND PROUD...Whether we like or not there are too many people who need to grow up and be smarter in how you treat others. I understand the background stuff, but only you can see the truth and understand it. What you say or do to others has a real effect on how the person feels when you are at a point of needing help. In the end it is the "PEOPLE" we hurt the most who deserve to be heard. Nough said.

this is the time to get real

I have used blog to write down poetry and to tell you feelings about my mental illness. That being said, this post gonna get to a real issue I have in my life. 

on September 30, 2012 i got my first nerve block. It aeemed to be helping my pain, which is why I was getting them. Go back a couple weeks before, I was in pain and asked doc to give me regular pain med for pain. He refused deluding to the fact he thought I was over using pain meds, without looking into and seeing I was not an addict. That is whole other story in itself. I waited in pain for nerve block so when first one took good, I was happy with this. Pain was a a lot better and i was happy with this. I went to next block the week after and he put needles in different place second block I had. The pain was still gone was still happy about that fact, was thinking i would not have pain for a long time. that was when things got strange with my own body. Reason for writing this at all is I think i should not lay down to let nothing happen to docs if they are responsible for things going on and then what docs thought could be happening. It is going to be somewhat he said she said, but i am going to get what I feel is good enough for me. No amount of maney is going to get speech back, but if doc missed what made this happen it is on them to give me fair testing to reach the diagnosis I got from first neuro doc who looked at me and my problem. this is not a vengeance type either, I am truely frustrated with my treatment and feel that I was treated less than should be treated. That is just tip of iceberg. Funny thing is, is that people who are close to me see what happened and can't believe I have not gotten answer yet. There are many questions on why my treatment was put off to psychaitric trouble, when have very real speech issues and also had TIA type of symptoms. Whether was TIA or something else should have been looked at more. Instead was told to see psychiatrist. 

The second block again was in different spots and did not think anything of it until I started feeling symptoms from diabetes. Mind you i was able to be off my diabetes med for almost a year until that week. My sugar was near perfect. Have A1C report from reg doc showing that my sugar must have been normal due to a good reading from that. I was taking sugars and could not believe I was getting symptoms when sugar was no more that 300 even if high. I have never had problems with diabetes symptoms showing before even when sugar was higher than normal. Why now? I was not well informed of what was used for nerve blocks, if I was I would have taken good precautions or asked if was worth getting for troubles that could happen. This doc just said I was getting nerve block and no pain meds. Did not tell me risks with anything at all. my hubby was in office when he told me about nerve blocks. Since his illness is giving trouble he may not remember what went on, but was there when I got told had pinched nerve. I believed I was going to be taken care of and nothing bad would happen. I was wrong in that dept. Diabetes was all messed up from it, doc did deny it though without even finding out what was wrong. He said no and went on way, did ask if I wanted the other block, was naive enough to say yes to this. I will add this to my list of what to think about before doing anymore. By the time I got my med back was too late for some problems, and I will not know right away if there was damage to any organs from the diabetes reaction. The problem with this is I get scared they will use my bipolar status to talk it away and make it my problem.i have had this before with another doc. I have been put off for having bipolar, too easy to use as diagnosis then to do testing is guess. 

It took almost a month to get diabetes troubles to point I was not feeling symptoms like I was. Well that was not the end of troubles. Looking at one of discharge notice the date was October 29, 2012. I had two hospital stays for what I am about to describe happened to me before I was in hospital. I woke up in morning the day before first hospital stay, which was a Saturday, whole head was numb and right side tingled and speech was slurred and way off normal speech. Was not scared at first, just wondering what was happening to myself. I started worrying cause remembered stroke symptoms and went to er. They sent me home saying no signs of stroke. On Sunday the next day I talked to doc because I was scared about what happened to me day before finally. (I have had quite a few er visits and did not really want to have another one, due to fact they are only there for finding acute problems. I think for myself they were thinking of my bipolar at times at er as well. not all docs were that way just some) I went to er doc told me to go to and they put me in hospital overnight, might be for observation, was sent home next day. I still had speech trouble. 

Week later on Saturday again, this time left hand and I think whole arm, got panicky from this, when woke up was numb to point i could not use hand for a few minutes at all. Feeling started to come back, but because of panic attack i hesitated calling for help and fact is it was 3 in morning was kinda bleary in head and scared at same time, did not make for good judgement in getting help on time. went away and other than that dont remember too much until i called ambulance which should have been Sunday early afternoon. No one was taking me seriously with ambulance, but doc at er who i have seen before took it seriously. He checked for actual stroke signs in scan I got. No signs of blockage there. Left side was affected by this time and there was after affects from this as well. Was in hospital and they took care this time to get home health with me. One thing I remember was when called ambulance left side was tingling real bad and I was scared. After run in with morning doc who I hope has gotten a talking to about bedside manner with me, saw neuro doc there and gave me ok to go home. Said no signs of stroke. my head had many questions to why this was happening and they could not see why or where it had happened. To this day I still wonder why docs were being nonchalant about what happened to me. Was it age? Was it bipolar status? Was it because I can't quit smoking? no good answers were given to me or was I given courtesy of respect by some. 

It has been over three months since nerve block and two months since stroke symptoms appeared. I am frustrated by the whole thing due to fact that I want to believe there is good with docs and when I trust i get hit in face with things not my character or mental status is in question. Thankfully some things are better, but I will never talk normal again, I am now worried some about return of trouble due to no real answers. Just basic test being done and neuro doc not trying to find what happened or at least maybe a clue to what could have happened. To the pain doc for not warning me of what was being used in nerve block, he did not tell me the risks even if signed papers was not given any verbal instructions from him about this procedure and was not told it could aggravate my diabetes, since he did not tell me they used steroid. Can not tell me I was aware as well this was first time got nerve block and should have given me outcome and risks from him either with instructions for day of procedure. His demeanor with me was like I was a piece of garbage feeling at times when I asked for help before nerve block to help pain til getting this procedure. I will fight this and neuro doc if need to. They maybe docs, but have no business picking who to treat with less respect than another. My conduct with call to pain doc was in relation to his labeling me with a drug addict label. My reg doc prescribes to me tramadol and I take as prescribed. I do not go over and I am not and addict. I can't even drink alcohol, it hurts my stomach. I was defamed and labeled twice. Pain doc first time, second time was neuro doc. I have had enough of this and want to get some answers for this and for pain doc to respect me enough to admit mistake. Whatever happens, happens will not lay down this time and bend my respect for self to lay blame on me when I know in mind I am right. 

this is basically what I remember at this time. I am not crazy and do not in my own right mind think the docs in both case were being fair to me and put personal gain in front of oath that was taken by all docs. No matter how small it may seem to them it is big for me...they are not the one who had to live with end result of problem and it seems they could care one bit about how I want answers and very well know i should have been given more consideration than was given. If one person, like me, has same trouble, it means this could be going on with more than just me. think about this before you say i am crackpot. I can back up what I say in here except for part about pain doc telling me it was not from him do not remember if hubby was in there or not. will ask him when I remember or read this again. 


Rebecca Smith
12/7/2012

P.S. When I know something is off for myself I will fight this time. Too many times I laid down and let go things that should have been rightfully brought to attention of docs. Cannot in good conscience this time just let go, too much riding if this may or may not happen again to me.