There are thoughts in my head

These thoughts cause me grief

Give me feeling of being useless

Of having nothing to go for

I am fighting a battle days in

And days out

Trying to figure out where I need to go

What I need to do

I am at a crossroads with my life

Maybe what men call

Mid life crisis

Trying to see where I fit in the scheme of things

I have come to the conclusion

That I will find who I am

One way or another no matter

What it takes to get to that conclusion

Rebecca Smith 3/3/11

That is my thought for the day.

My list is:

Help my hubby find a job.

Crochet and accomplish at three to six afghans

Write and type my poetry in the computer

Becky

I am at my wits end sometimes with my son. Sometimes having the strength to deal with it all is little to none. I get mad and want to throw the towel in and say forget it all. Here is something I know for sure, he is mad at something and takes it out on me. All I want to do is have a good day with him. I know it will happen, but it seems like it will take forever.

My one class for school is almost over. Doing good. I just feel the teacher was not being nice the last time I put something in the post for problems. Oh well could be my mood too. I knew what the assignment asked for and helped out some. I was not going to sit there and make it so easy for the rest to do, they are not thinking and the assignment was easy to read.

I have my good days and bad days. I am just me and want to have more good days then bad. I feel the need to write again so that is good. I just got to get it at the right time. I also am crocheting to help out my old job with a possible fundraiser. Scarves are being a made over here. have about 12 now. I need about 20 to 25 more for a good one.

This day brings to end, the day that I see things are getting better. It is weird cause I had two things go wrong today. Yet I am happy because my son is trying to do better. it makes me feel happy. I have gotten out of a mini bipolar spin too. Stress has a way of getting to my mood swings. Good that I notice it too. Helps me get through them somehow. Refreshed some is the word I can use right now for how I am feeling.

As for the recent surgery, I have healed pretty good over here. Considering all the things I did that I was not supposed to do, it healed just fine. Some pain where it was done. Felt like they juggled with my insides for giggles after the incision healed. I am good with that. It is funny I am sick or in pain most of the times, but I heal pretty quick.

Onto the next bit of news...I am still getting an A in my class. My next class is going to be math. Dreading math. It is not my best subject. I am going to do the best that I can and I am sticking to it.

Have a good day all. That is it for now.

Becky

I have not written in here in a long time...been neglectful because I am not sure that people are reading these. I am hoping that someone reads these because it is an insight into my mind at the moments I feel something plus a bonus of my poems too.

I have been through a lot since the last blog. I went down hill quick and went to the hospital again. It is an eye opener when you know you need the hospital to help straighten you out. It seems and feels like the pain will never end either. Probably not. I need to deal with that one as well as the mood swings I have. The never ending battles of bipolar disorder are always something for me to deal with. But I am happier at this point in time when the pain does not get me down. Have a good day all who do read this. I will try to keep it up again with the blogging. I hope that someone may learn how it is to be me.


birdie1120

One day at a time
Is all I can do
If I do more
I will surely fall

One thing after another
Has happened to me
It got me in a tailspin
I was hoping to just stop

Yet another and another
Keep coming at me
So I hold my head high
And try to stand tall

My problems are mighty
They are really something to deal with
I am not surprised
If I get hospitalized




Rebecca Smith 12/6/09

I have been through a very strange experience these past few weeks. What started out as nausea, turned into gallstones. I was having a really difficult time with it too. The pain and nausea were getting to me. I went to the hospital twice for my pancreas which was getting affected by the gallstones. I ended up getting my gallbladder out which was supposed to be in and out in one day. I found out that during surgery I had three arteries instead of one. I had gotten two blood transfusions because it had gotten complicated during the surgery. I stayed in the hospital for this for two days. Considering that I had lost some blood and have a big gash in my abdomen, I got out pretty quick. I am home recovering well. I am almost back to normal physically. Just need to rest and take it easy. Not something I am used to either. Here are my thoughts about all this...

I am glad that I made it through the surgery. I am glad that I am healing fast enough for me. This is the time in my life that I realize that i am worth something to myself and others. I no matter what I have been through in my life know that I am here and want to be here.

When things get tough
And you feel there is nothing for you
Sometimes a simple thing
Can get you to see
That you are here and real
No one can tell you
That you are nothing
Everyone is someone to me
If you look deep inside
To see the reality of you
Try to remember
You are special to you



Rebecca Smith

Jusr popping in to write something.

There are times
That things can seem so wrong
Yet you know that there
are two sides to the coin

On and off I feel like saying goodbye to my life here and just taking my car and starting a new life. Then I realize not too long after that it probably would be very lonely where I go. Leaving my family behind is something I do not want. The feelings just take over and make me feel like running. Getting away physically will not get rid of the feelings. Those will be a part of me no matter where I go. How do I deal with the feelings? I basically say deal with this feeling and stop feeling like you are not worthy of being loved and cared about. It takes a little bit of my energy, but it mostly works.

Life has a way of bringing
You back to reality
You have to be the one to
Keep reality in check.


Becky